Granola Girl meets Dr. Butch

Let’s just put the embarrassing fact out there for everybody to know who hasn’t seen me physically, and might be reading this,…I have gained too much weight over the last fifteen years. At one point during those fifteen years, I shed it all. It took a year of flailing like a fish on a treadmill, meeting once a week with other food-challenged compadres, eating a lot of garbanzo beans with eggs, and imagining my Twiggy-self during Zen meditation. I enthusiastically wore my size 6 jeans for an ENTIRE week before I got pregnant with my third child. (Come to think of it, that’s probably why I got pregnant with my third child. I looked HOT!)

Anyway, that was a short-lived skinny time, the rest of the years have seen a steady increase on the scale, even though I haven’t really changed my eating or physical exercise.

This fact, combined with some other symptoms, sent me to see Dr. Butch today to see if I could get some thyroid testing. I am giving her that name, not to offend anyone reading this who might also be Butch, but to give you a picture of what walked through the door.

The door swings open. Enter Dr. Butch. She nods, might have grunted, and sits at the computer.

I start to wonder why I’m being ignored. Is this sterile office so vast she doesn’t see me sitting here?

“Hello,” I say, seeing I needed to be the one with manners, “I’m Melonie.” (like she doesn’t know my name, I’ve practically signed enough documents since I walked in the door to fill the dictionary).

“Oh, Hello.” She looks up, surprised. “I’m Dr. Butch.” Okay, she didn’t really say that, but she did say…”Oh, Hello. I’m Dr. Fancy pants name that is not pronounced anything like it is spelled.”

“Nice to meet you, “ I say. She grunts.

“Why are you here?” Isn’t that the stupidest question you have ever heard? When you call to set up the appointment, you tell someone. When you walk in, you tell someone. They give you a stack of papers, and you write it down. Then the nurse comes in first and puts everything in the computer for the doctor to see. Then the doctor comes in and asks why you are there. I always want to say, “I don’t know. I’ve waited so long in this freezing room waiting for you to show up that I’ve forgotten. Goodbye.”

But I didn’t.

I explain the symptoms.

While she’s typing them into the computer, my stomach rumbles. Dr. Butch’s office called me the day before and told me to fast before I came in. I want to be a good patient. I obey doctor’s orders. I told Dr. Butch I was hungry since I hadn’t eaten in 20 hours.

“Why?” she says, “You didn’t need to fast for thyroid tests. Who told you that?”

Now, I’m a little more than irritated. There was separation from me and my breakfast for no valid reason????

Dr. Butch asks me about my life. I think this is the friendly, get-to-know you part of the appointment, so I tell her about my move to this state, about my husband’s difficulty finding work here, about my sweet kids and the school they attend, about our recent difficulty finding a roof over our heads.

Then, Dr Butch tells me that I need to put my children in a different school and move out of state where my husband can find work. She doesn’t suggest it. She doesn’t hint. She doesn’t even ask my opinion. I came in for thyroid testing and Dr. Butch tells me where my family needs to live and where my kids need to go to school.

I feel the urgent need to stand up and check the initials after the name on the door. Did I inadvertently go to a psychologist?

I tell her that we are fine with the choices we have made. She then asks me about or financial situation.

What???? Now she’s a financial advisor?

Suffice it to say, that things went downhill from there. She wouldn’t do the tests that I wanted. She said if I was hypothyroid, she would only prescribe synthetic medicine. Dr. Butch then proceeded to tell me that I wasn’t meant to live to 80 anyway, so if certain organs die, I should let them. Is that in the Hippocratic oath?

Thank you, Dr. Butch, for all you did for me today.

The most important thing I learned today is this…

If you need financial or life advice, go see your endocrinologist.